I’ve been enjoying the journey back to my whole self with more wisdom, more compassion and greater understanding of what I’m here for.
My family is a huge part of my purpose and realizing that has led me to dig relentlessly within and purge all that was keeping me from showing up for them.
It was a LOT of resentment. For a lot of different reasons that were only relevant to me. I had a lot of anger and inner turmoil due to not fully expressing my feelings, emotions and thoughts growing up. I sacrificed more than my family knows because I chose to ignore the bad and just ride the waves of what felt good, helping me avoid what lied beneath the surface, patiently waiting for me to have no choice but to face it.
After about 2-3 years of things bubbling up to the surface, sleepless nights of crying and praying for some relief that could only come from a deep understanding, I turned to yoga and crystals and whatever else felt good in the midst of me facing those things I’d repressed for so long.
As uncomfortable as it was, moving my body just for me was what gave me a sense of purpose to wake up, bathe and brush my teeth. I stopped desiring unhealthy foods, I stopped watching so much TV…now that I think about it, this is when I started enjoying being alone again. I enjoyed silent retreats that helped me hear what exactly was going on inside of me. I enjoyed the patience I allowed myself to reflect and respond accordingly.
Fast forward a couple more years and the movement wasn’t as important as the intention I set daily. Sometimes I would just sit on my mat and breathe, slowly, intentionally or just practice observing my body breathe on its own, that’s what I call being breathed. And that’s when I learned the significance of intentionally breathing.
I would focus on my breath while walking, while driving, while working and eventually while angry or triggered. I had to walk myself thru the latter because the habit of just letting my nervous system go haywire when in a state of conflict was so great. When I began recognizing the triggers, I was able to take my time with finding the source of them and that understanding is what gave me the strength to pause and breathe in the midst of conflict with others and within myself.
This is what has helped me with my anxiety and times where I’m feeling overwhelmed or low on energy. I stopped downing myself for not feeling like moving on my mat every day or every week and just kept my focus on breathing. And journaling. Those two things have been my saving graces this past year.
After being so determined to get my YTT, I still felt ill-prepared to actually teach yoga the way I was being taught. I felt like it was just another cycle of getting caught in the rat race of capitalizing on the need for true healing. I felt pressured to get clients to teach as opposed to just being me and allowing what and who comes to come. I was also overwhelmed with the constant bustling around I was doing for the sake of tryna get my hustle on. After 6 months of all of that, I took one of my silent retreats.
During this time, I didn’t practice asanas as much. The first few months I really did nothing but reflected on my present state of being and purged some outdated feelings and ways of being. I recognized that though I was more confident than I had been, I still lacked self-esteem to put myself out there. In hindsight, I realized my approach just needed to be adjusted.
I had to remember my why, my purpose for practicing yoga and what led me to desiring to teach it. I also had to recognized my strengths and weaknesses, what works best for me and what would be an unnecessary reach in being of service to myself, my family and my community simultaneously.
Finding my breath again led me to finding my voice which was still being safely secured by my insecure and uncertain inner child. We were still hiding the biggest and best parts of us based on experiences I’d addressed but didn’t fully move on and heal from.
Now, I’m not even close to completing the journey of complete healing but I’ve overcome a few barriers that were inhibiting the sharing of my vulnerabilities, my insecurities, my desires and needs. In accepting that the journey is never ending, I’ve come to embrace where I am presently.
This summer I allowed myself to just be and enjoy it. Spending time with my family and friends, going out more and taking pride in my joy has reminded me of what I’m living for. It’s not for the money nor the hustle or grind. It’s for taking back what is rightfully mine. My life, my liberty, my connection to the creator, my spirituality, my dreams, my body, my voice, my love, my mind, my soul, all in one.
Being true to me is just allowing myself to live and love stress-free. To push thru the worries and trust in the divinity that has been allotted to me to assist in the creation of my reality. Just coming back to the basics of living, off autopilot. Breathing with awareness, self-reflecting and taking action on the bubbles of my subconscious floating into my consciousness. And most importantly, finding the joy in living again.
My new mantra as I meditate and go about my day. Forever grateful for the process to be here now.
“I breathe therefore I am free”
