I feel like this has been a repetitive greeting in my last few posts but it still applies so….
Whew! It’s been a while since my last share. So much has transpired and a huge chunk of that has been growth in the emotional and mental sector. More self-acceptance and inner validation has settled in, brewing a steeping hot tea of self-confidence. Increased devotion to my calling due to trusting in what’s in me than what’s externally pressing me. All gratitude for the process which has brought me this far. The great, the not so good and the discouraging has all just reinforced my belief in my Creator – the divine masculine and feminine energies that make up this entire existence, my angels, guides and my ancestors. The divine support carrying me thru from one season to the next is infinite which affirms my knowing that so am I.
Last year I took a hiatus from everything. After 3-6 months of just floating around outside, feeling like a rebel with a cause experiencing the community, I had to take space to just breathe in and be in my own energy for a while. Personally, being around too many ppl too frequently drains me and, as experienced last year, makes me more susceptible to leaks and openings of my energetic field. This susceptibility leads me to being more prone to operating in other ppls energy, like as opposed to just observing I start to absorb it. And when I found out that’s what had been happening I awoke in disillusionment, shock and where I found myself was frightening. I couldn’t believe what had happened had happened so organically like being lulled to the edge of a steep cliff by laughing hyenas, as if I was dreaming while awake, just so oblivious.
When I became aware of what was going on I didn’t know what to do but just come back to myself. I didn’t know how long it would take and I didn’t care, I just knew I needed to get back in my own space as soon as I possibly could and nothing else mattered.
In hindsight, groups never really been my thing. It was always just too much for me. But intimate encounters were where I could be my greatest self. I realized that had a lot to do with my extremely sensitive energy and my severe lack of boundaries. Which I had to extend copious amount of grace and compassion to myself for because setting energetic boundaries wasn’t something I was aware of. And looking back on my childhood, it makes sense how different I was in certain environments. With close family and friends I was unapologetically, obliviously just me and a big part of me was wanting everyone to just be happy. I felt the pains and discomfort of my loved ones and innately did what I could to make them happy.
As a young adult, I’ve had to learn how to project boundaries to protect my energy, my loving and caring nature. While still searching for ways to apply my niches in the world that best serves me, my family and my community, I quickly learned that too much time around others drains me of being present and strong enough for myself. So last year really showed me what being out of balance felt like. Though I was still in alignment I wasn’t balancing my time alone with the time spent with others. I was really just in a zone, feeling like I was lifted and just floating around the community, seeing what’s out there and how I fit into it all. Saying yes waaaay more than I should have but it all just reminded me of who I am now and why.
I got caught up in a whirlwind of new energies and old memories. For a while I couldn’t differentiate the two. I guess you could say that’s when integration of my inner child and present self was felt but not yet fully understood.
Because I was experiencing things I always wanted to but I was also still feeling things that I was subconsciously holding onto. It blurred my perspective of reality tremendously and I couldn’t explain it to anyone other than saying, “I just need sometime to myself”. And not everyone got the disclaimer that it wasn’t them, it was me because, honestly, it felt like it was more them than me with some folks. And I just didn’t know how to approach that so I simply accepted what it was and left it where it was at.
So now we’re here. 32 years and 9 days old, fuller, lighter and brighter than I have yet to feel as an adult. I’ve ridded myself of the debris from past experiences that were blocking my way forward. I literally sat with them everyday and reflected on all that had led me back to my safe space in solitude and then dissected those experiences until I got to the source of it all.
Not fully accepting myself, judging myself, loving others and wanting love from others more than I loved myself, trying to be there for others and leaving out myself, seeking understanding from others without fully understanding myself. All that led me to do things that, unbeknownst to me, would still leave me depleted and unfulfilled as if I was still working for random companies as opposed to working with my community.
I learned that not everyone in the community is for the community, most are just for themselves and the expense of others generosity and altruism is just another casualty to climb over. I learned that even as an adult I still had some naive and gullible ways about me, believing in the potential of the greater good as opposed to what I’m being shown blatantly. I realized that just because I can see the potential in others doesn’t make it real in them and similar interests doesn’t make folks your friends.
So, with all that experience, begot some wisdom and I’m back in a more controlled, honorable way. Because I am more in love with me than I have ever been before, I am protective of me as a mother is to her newborn, I am understanding of every piece of me which gives me peace to just be. Controlled and letting go, simultaneously. I am here, as present as if it was Christmas Day. I am here, showing up in my most authentic way. Just being me, steadily evolving and making the most of every day.
