The worst thing you can do is compare your journey to the next person. To really feel and live like life is a competition. That life, personally, would get extremely exhausting hella fast. Ignoring problems, personally, relationally, socially, locally, nationally, collectively to maintain your sense of self-worth, however low or non-existent it may be, is not how we, the people, grow and evolve with the changes of life.
We are no longer physically chained and whipped, for the majority, but we are and have been psychologically abused and manipulated to fit the preferred narrative of the few. We sacrifice our lives and our families to “make it in the world” when the world we’re helping build and/or maintain is not being built to appease us or meet us with what we deserve as human beings. Not even as the direct lineage of the first humans known. Just regular degular human beings. We’ve give up hope in better so we just take what we’re given. Believing that if all is forgiven on your end you’ll be able to catch up on peace and rest when you get to heaven.
We’ve forgotten that this is supposed to be our heaven, right now, on earth. “As above, so below”, right? So why are we accepting this brutality still? Why are we getting hella angry but walking away with our tails tucked up in there? When will we decide to put aside our differences and work with what works for US. Not them…as you can see, we clearly run the machines still.
We have been convinced that the best way to maintain our lives and livelihood is without rattling the fence by being great. Our best bet is to go to school, take out loans if need be, get your degree and start working for somebody with good benefits. Stay there for a good 30 years minimum so when you retire you have a nice retirement plan and can go live free. By 55-60.
It’s easier to just stay at one job and keep your head down while making this money to sustain your living. Not questioning anything, just tryna survive and laugh a little bit.
Many of my peers and fellow millenials have proven that to not be the best way for all or even most. It’s just the one that’s been pressed onto our psyches at a very young age. Now I’m not saying education is unnecessary all together, I’m saying it’s not the only or best way for most, as we’ve been conditioned to believe it is.
The best thing that would’ve been for me was an education/activity creative arts center. I didn’t know that back then tho, I just knew I wanted to help folks (youth and young adults) live better, happier lives. I liked to have conversation, mostly talk, back then and felt like I was natural at being some type of counselor. Slight interest in social work due to some childhood experiences. If I hadn’t been such a daddy’s girl growing up his suggestion wouldn’t have swayed me like it did. He didn’t believe that becoming a counselor would bring in enough income and suggested I go for Pharmacy because of “a chick he knew (in high school)” living all good with no kids as a pharmacist.
I didn’t know how to communicate that I wasn’t interested in those things as much as I was in helping others. I wasnt confident in what I felt in my heart because my daddy was my heart and he was saying something different. So I conceded by taking up the trade of pharmacy technician. It was cool, easy, not something I found a liking to. I was distracted during most of school, by niggas of course but managed to pass with a C average. Got a job at the place I did my externship at for a lil while but it didn’t last. Ended up at Kroger as a cashier by the end of the year and from then on, got stuck in the rate race of finding a good job, just to live on my own because I subconsciously resented my parents and didn’t wanna be anywhere near them. Until going to either of them was the only thing I could do in the end. Humbled with a bruised ego still disconnected. Can’t find a way to connect to myself. Feel like I’m really in hell, again. The first time was being hold up in my boyfriends crib(s) for some years.
I let go of my boyfriend. Moved back to my dads, officially officially. Like not going back and forth between homes. I started being at my dads every day, all day, started being the kids driver for school and miscellaneous things. I was stuck. But I wasn’t. I knew what I needed to do which was purging..all of what’s within me that makes it difficult for me to speak my peace, that’s blocking me to feel complete as I am. Blinding me to my own creativity and powerful intuition.
I had to sit. Just sit and let it come up. Let myself vent. Move my body every day so I’m not just sitting. Do something different more often. Challenging myself to go beyond my comfort zones just to see how far I can go. Testing my ability to do things alone and with inviting others along. Learning how to be detached from the outcome by focusing on my purpose. Remembering who I’m doing/living for presently.
Fast forward to now. About 2 years later. I’m living in my own place, paying on my own vehicle, was working for myself but that was swiped as the pandemic peaked. I used to say I was a full-time self-care taker but that rings even truer these days. Not just for me but for most. We’re collectively growing more conscientious of our day to day, moment to moment actions. While some have been learning to cope with their new lifestyle of being home more than out and about, some not seeing much change and possibly feeling a way about that and others enjoying this long-awaited change that they didn’t realize they’d been needing, I am adjusting, adapting, purging (yes, still), releasing, breathing, creating, moving different, loving stronger and deeper, crying more freely, orgasmicallly manifesting the life of my dreams and being patient with the feels that arise within me. Letting them be, breathing thru them, understanding why they’ve been lingering and where it all stemmed from, forgiving myself for it, allowing myself to feel angry, sad, disappointed, vengeful and then okay with the outcome. Remembering that everything is working together for my greatest good which will not only benefit me but those that I’m connected to and whom they are connected to, creating a rippling effect throughout the earth. As one heals, so does another. As one gains revelations, so do the others.
This is not a competition. It’s a puzzle, a maze. You do not win by arriving to the center point first. You win by learning how you can best navigate the tunnels of your life because the destination is within your journey not at the end of it. Everybody is experiencing this maze differently. Generationally, we’ve all experienced some not so fun memories regarding our families as children. Our experiences are intended to inspire us to make a difference this time around. Thus I am patiently making my way to experiencing a full life that abounds.
