I came across screenshots of someone’s suicide message before taking the leap of death. By the end of it I had tears swelling up in my eyes. Because I can relate to the thoughts floating around in her mind. I understand what it feels like to feel like a burden and just be over being so tired.
Even with the amazing things happening, I still feel hopeless at times. The way we’re suppose to live this life just to get by. Why is it so hard for me to get to the point of living life beyond just tryna survive it. When do I get to actually thrive? When do I get to the point of less lows and more highs? When do I get to experience financial abundance in this life? Without having to sacrifice the integrity of my soul.
I think about no longer having to figure out when, where, how much is needed to just live life. I daydream about being free as a bird in real life and not just in my mind. I pray for the Day that my dreams turn into reality. I pray that day meets me before the alternative and I’m no longer present in this physical reality. I believe in my goals and dreams and I also am tired of struggling. Just for the necessities. My mind is so scattered. It’s so hard to focus on what I love when it seems like that’s just not working out for me—financially. When finances are one of the main tools to surviving and thriving it seems counterproductive for my focus to be on the things that truly light me up and make life exciting to wake up to. But I’m pushing.
Every day that I wake up and choose to pray and give thanks is a miracle in plain sight bc that is the only thing still getting me by. Trust in the unknown. Faith in the Source of all creation to have a better plan for my life but I gotta stay alive to see it birthed beyond my minds eye. I know what it feels like to no longer want to be alive and deal with the constant waves pounding me so hard when all I’m tryna do is live my life according to what feels innately right. I cry for the souls who could no longer push, who really had been depleted of all the hope and trust and faith in better days. I pray that their next lifetime shows them a better way.
I look forward to the day that I can contest to trusting your souls calling to lead us to that perfect place where our entire being is in harmony with mercy and grace. I’m seeking clarity as I continue to open my heart for divinely aligned partnerships, professionally, platonically and romantically. I’m giving thanks for all things aligning in divine timing exactly as it should be. I’m redirecting my attention towards the mercy and grace that I receive every day that I wake and am guided to pray, to get up and take care of myself in the best possible ways for my energy that day.
I’m grateful for the strength of my spirit to keep on keeping on and believing in the amazing things happening with me, for me and all around me. I’m grateful for my delusions keeping me from spiraling downward and gives me the buoyancy to ascend higher with effort and ease. I am so very grateful for the discernment to know which opportunities are aligned with my mission/vision and goals and for the preparation and readiness to take full advantage of them.
I cry at the knowing of how it feels to want to be unalived and I give thanks infinitely for the love, support and encouragement from my divine support team, physically and spiritually always helping me to remember my why. Always searching for the silver lining. I am grateful for it always finding me no matter how lost I feel or how low it gets. I am grateful for the present pain transmuting into magical days.
