What can you do differently this time?
In the midst of what feels like an eerily similar phase of my life but with incredibly richer energy I’m recognizing what’s the cycle, what’s my intention and what I can do differently that best honors what I’m needing presently for where I’m desiring to be in the near and distant future.
The Cycle
Finding myself in environments that no longer resonate with me and finding it extremely difficult to express those feelings, my knowing. Recognizing the spaces I’ve found myself in and what led me there has shown me how much of myself I disregard and neglect for the sake of others happiness. Recently learning this to be a symptom of people pleasing and codependency sent me back deep off into my shell. Searching for the root cause of this.
In my search, I found that this was something I naturally did as a kid with my family and what I naturally moved away from with them as I grew resentful of not feeling equally valued or cared for. I am now seeing it reflected in the communities and friends or chosen family I’ve gravitated towards. And that is where the problem lies.
My desire to help others, to be there for others in ways I subconsciously wish for others to be there for me. And the lack of words and ways I’ve yet to learn that would support me in fully understanding AND accepting what it is I’m needing or desiring to be able to effectively communicate it to others. The belief that I’m worthy and truly deserving of receiving all that I need and desire isn’t as much the problem as believing that there are people who believe the same that would be honored to support me in whatever it is I’m needing.
The intention is to just be fully present in my life now, to cultivate peace, joy and harmony in all my experiences while understanding conflict, internally and externally is and will always be a part of the journey. Especially because my journey is mine own and not everyone will understand my whys and how’s. To learn how to cope and navigate the conflict head-on rather than avoiding it or allowing it to consume me. To truly work with me for me is key in attaining the infinite bliss that I seek.
What I’m working to do differently this time around is practicing more patience and compassion with myself as I make my way thru these inhibitions. Recognizing my must haves and non-negotiables has been a big part of the work. Just accepting what works for me and what doesn’t without trying to compromise what’s true to me for the sake of how others will receive or perceive me. Finding my voice, my truth and learning to express it the best way I know how. Despite the internal resistance and pushback, talking thru the triggers, trailing the roots to the center of the fears, doubts and confusion and taking my time sitting with the things. Being truthful with those closest to me as best I can in the moment and giving myself grace to come back to them when im ready to fully express my thoughts and feelings, if/as needed.
After sifting thru alladat, I finally see and am able to receive the core of who I am. The observer of my life is who I am, just as the Source of creation is witnessing itself in an infinite amount of variations. The observer of me knows the impermanence of it all and also honors the significance of every piece in every moment.
So here I am, in real time, being present, doin my best, fuckin up, pausing, reflecting on it, adjusting accordingly and trying again. The more I try the more I learn about myself and the more I start to ease into all of what makes me, me which then guides me to a fuller acceptance of my being and a deeper love of thy self. Thus being able to fully share my authentic self with those around me sans the anxiety and guardedness. Only loving boundaries abound.
Infinitely thankful and grateful for the Source of creation including all these variations and levels of human evolution on Earth. The self-awareness, emotional intelligence and free will to adapt or stay the same is a blessing in plain sight, a cheat code if you will, IF we so choose to see it that way.
If you’ve made it this far, I’m wishing, hoping, praying for and believing in all the best for you amidst your trials and glorious triumphs. Keep trying and trying again, until you’re satisfied with your results! 🥂✨💖
