So, today is a free writing day.
I mean, everyday is free writing, technically. However, I’m referring to specifically, just writing my feels and publishing it. No second thoughts or long breaks between finishing my thoughts.
Just flowing.
Boy, this year has been one that tickles my fancy for spontaneity and free spiriting. In January I was doing work as a 24/7 live-nanny every other week. Finally experiencing what it’s like to really be in business for myself AND sustain my independent livelihood.
A part of me really felt like watching and caring for kids was my calling. Until that 3 month notice started sounding off deep inside of me. Per the usual.
This time was very different tho. I wasn’t working to sustain anyone or any company or corporation. I was working because I had chosen to follow my heart, heed my gut instinct and just trust in my wings, like really really.
When I made the decision to leave my job as a Flight Attendant, it was a decision that I had been feeling would be needed sooner than later.
Don’t get me wrong. Flying around internationally for the free was a dream come true. Exploring cities and rural areas within different countries was mind-wowing, eye opening and incredibly humbling.
Somewhere down the line tho, within the 3 months of me being employed, I became extremely annoyed with my life. I hated having to structure majority of my life around the job. The feeling of not being able to go on random weekend road trips or just chill at home for a week with no pressure weighted heavily on my soul.
It’s crazy because I remember praying for exactly that type of job. Getting paid to fly around the world. I should have been more specific about the boundaries that came with that tho.
I family tragedy hit me so hard while I was out in Okinawa, Japan. Well, it hit me on the first day of the trip. I was in El Paso, Texas when I found out.
I was literally preparing to leave the country as my 24 year old cousin was murdered in his own home. Not even 15 minutes from where I stayed.
Of course, my immediate fam first instinct was to not tell me until I got back but…the kinda person I’d become had stopped holding back questions that she felt needed to be asked.
There were movements being made that didn’t make sense to me and a part of me regretted being so nosey after my question had been answered. But like 250 milliseconds later, I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Even more questions coming up, a lot of curse words and when it became too much, I couldn’t help but keep asking God, like “WTF”.
This was the first murder death I’d experienced from a close relative. The information surrounding the situation only made it worse but the fact that I was flying around the world, grieving alone while my family was dealing with one of the hardest experiences of our generation…it really showed me where my life had gone wrong.
As I said before, the thought of not staying with this company for too long had already been playing in my mind but I was giving it time. I didn’t plan to leave until I was at least 6 months in but that experience was a jolting one to say the least.
Understanding my responsibilities, I decided to stick it out until the funeral arrangements were prepared. Though I wanted to be there with my fam, I didn’t wanna risk not being able to stay long enough for the funeral. At the time I wasn’t thinking about quitting.
Over the course of that week, I weeped what seemed like every other second. So many people running thru my mind, so many things, questions that I couldn’t subside but knew most answers I will never find. My eyes were swollen off and on and I really just kept to myself most of the time.
Until I linked up with my new bestfriend aka roomie from training. Outside of talking with my family, she really held me down. Her rawness and genuine love for me showed and for that I’ll forever be grateful.
I had actually started thinking maybe I should just stay on this line and keep getting this money. But that was a fleeting thought as I quickly remembered that money doesn’t rule me. My life does not surround money, money surrounds my life. No matter what I’m doing, as long as I’m following my heart, I know everything will work out fine. Something I often have to remind myself of.
Nevertheless, it took sometime for me to battle thru that pressure of staying on the job instead of requesting to be flown back home. Of course, my gut literally started screaming at me and early Tuesday morning I sent in my request. Exactly a week after his death.
To make a longer scene shorter, they denied me, I sobbed heavily. I wasn’t expecting to be told no. Immediately, everything changed.
I started racking my brain on how tf ima get the hell outta Japan and back to Houston in 3/4 days. One way trips were like in the $900’s. I was dazed and confused, sitting on a balcony overlooking the ocean. Im on an island because of my job and I could be required to stay here while my baby cousins body is put to rest.
A subtle rage was brewing inside of me.
Although I knew everything would work out, there was still a part of me that wasn’t sure. And that made my blood boil even stronger. I got the feeling they were acting like the villain so they can seem like a hero in the end and that, was a no deal for me. That moment I knew this was prolly gon be my last time flying for them.
Anyways, to speed this up.
I arrived at the church as the Altar call was being done. Missed that one but I was grateful to have made it back home. Running on fumes, Fireball and American Spirits in addition to having being awake for over 24 hours, I was exhausted.
The craziest thing, after all that crying, I couldn’t bring myself to tears at the burial site. It was sooooo many ppl, so many energetic interferences making an appearance for an amazing person that was stolen from us. Hearing that the killer was someone he’d known, someone his “friends” knew but was only talkin bout the shit they’ll do really made me feel a different way too.
But anywho.
So, the opportunity to help out a single dad with twins presented itself and I took it up.
In a way it was my way of getting back on track with my goals of working for myself. On the other hand, I took my cousins death as a sign that I need to have more control over how, when and where I can move. The nanny gig was a step in that direction.
Until it wasn’t.
I had started feeling a bit bogged down with the duties I’d taken on. It stopped being about mostly helping them to more so trying to ensure I retain my independent livelihood.
Money problems ensued.
Really it was a mind control problem. But that didn’t resonate with me then.
Money has always been one of those things staring at me every time I focused on just doing things from the heart. Like, finding the balance of helping others out while ensuring I’m taking care of too has been one of the toughest challenges over the course of my life.
I need freedom to flow with my soul. I need flexible structure. I have many things I’m good at doing and love to do and need to do so when I start feeling restricted, that’s my cue to find something that better fits this life of mine. Because just like money, jobs that I take up should revolve around my life not the other way around.
By the beginning of March, the pandemic started peaking on this side of the world, some seemingly shady things were taking place on the work front and my gut was doing that screaming thing that it usually does when I’m procrastinating on moving on from something that has served its purpose.
My personal duties were conflicting with the dads comfort level and with Spring Break being my on week, adjustments had to be done. The compromise was none, honestly. I stated what I needed, the only option he found comforting was to take the kids to stay with family for the week.
No lie, I felt slightly slided but I also felt like a good 2 weeks was needed and would be good to gain clarity on how I should proceed, professionally.
Then, they shut down the schools and started enforcing self-quarantines. The dad worked in Louisiana. The math came to me ever so simply. I am officially working on my own time now.
At first I felt like a chicken running around with its head cut off. I didn’t know wtf to do really.
February I had been practicing yoga faithfully and even got the chance to teach a couple classes before locking the city down. I felt like I was on my way to finally accomplishing something I’d been desiring for so long.
Until….money came back staring me in face.
There was so much uncertainty around my finances at the time. I wasn’t sure how I’d get the funds to take care of necessities within a month. I kept looking for something outside of me to give me hope that everything will come together, sooner or later. Still the reality i was facing was less than dreamy.
I fell back onto what I knew. Spending time with my family, staying grounded in nature and just enjoying the present for the gift that it was.
By the beginning of April I was planning a solo trip to Sedona, Arizona. I needed to get away, far away. Take a trip to clear my mind while also testing the faith in my inner guide. It definitely didn’t make sense to be driving out of state at a time like this but nothing really made sense anymore.
It’s like the veil of illusions placed over our society was being pulled back. A period of disillusionment is really what had me sent. I wasn’t sure what to think or what or who to bring with but I knew I had enough money for gas, I packed snacks and drinks, a lot of clothes and some extra artsy things, just in case.
Clearly I made it there and back just fine. I loved it out there on the road. Tho it didn’t really clear my mind of the reality back home, I felt a sense of fulfillment. Like I’d pass the initiate test of the next phase of this journey.
The month of May has really been a doozy for my emotional, interpersonal relationships. Likely because that’s really all that plays in the background of my mind. Love connections and fantasizing about my vivid, hopeful romantic imagination.
That’s actually what has led me to write more and just put my wordiness to practical use rather than over sharing with dudes that got there own problems to deal with.
It took me getting too comfortable with over sharing with this guy that I really liked to see what had been lying deep within my subconscious mind.
Fears stemming from past experiences, beliefs that came from familial/societal conditionimg, ideals brought on by the programming techniques of the few to control the masses.
Entering into this new season I feel like I’m breathing easier. I’m bringing the many various parts of my life into sync. I am in perfect alignment with who I’ve came here to be and what I was brought here to do.
I am extremely blessed to see that I am finally living the life of my dreams. My necessities are taken care of and all I need to do is focus on being more of me. This pandemic has really enhanced my inner peace.
I pray that all those who are grieving and struggling during this time find comfort in an understanding that only they know comes directly from the heavens.
This time is to better those who seek to better themselves, not just for themselves and there families but for the collective consciousness that connects all of humanity.
The odds shall forever bein our favor.
