Now I KNOW you think I’m crazy so…
Let me gon head and explain further for MY clarity and sanity sake…
Had a whole internal battle between my past self and current reality over the past few weeks. It peaked over the weekend, only simmering down once I acknowledged the root cause of my emotional reactions and, instead of resisting, flowing with it and just being true to me, my desires and needs.
Currently, I’m learning how to create the balance btwn maintaining the security and love I’ve found within myself while cultivating a deeper connection with someone else.
Not just anybody tho. Someone that penetrates my soul with just their words, someone who actually uses their words despite how difficult it can get at times, someone intent on growing and evolving, someone that I feel my growth won’t be hindered or stagnated by, someone who fills in the spaces between the lines of my ideal partner-in-life, a fulfilling lover and a true friend. By the time we parted ways after meeting you for the first time, I felt that you could be that someone of my dreams…and ever since then I’ve been trying to keep a safe distance to make sure I ain’t falling into the same trap of disillusionment as I have so many times before.
Yet, here I am.
The issue is…past relationship experiences and their imprint deep within the nooks and crannies of my being. I really thought I’d handled all this in 2019…clearly that was just the surface stuff. Right now, I’m faltering between enjoying being alone and being completely opened to “dating” or “talking to someone” because despite what my wounded child may say, I honestly really do desire a loving, mutually beneficial relationship.
Nevertheless, I require a secure foundation that builds up as friends first and even tho I can get immersed in your tender kisses and forehead rubs, I’m still holding on to my declaration of abstinence as we (me, mySelf and I) agreed upon way before you came along.
In my mind tho, I’m still doing it wrong and I don’t know what, when or how exactly which is why I feel I need to pull it back just a lil bit. This background noise is tooooo too lit right now and I know I’m on the precipice of another shift just as you are… nevertheless you are my latest test so I gotta look thru the surface without the projections of my ideal version of you.
Universe: Commence the background noise…
So, Neptune is currently transiting my 7th house in Pisces…which is opposite my 1st house in Virgo.
Neptune deals with spirituality and illusions
Pisces is ruled by Neptune so it deals with similar things on a more subconscious level…also a lover of love, Pisces energy is extra sensitive/deeply emotional and “can be” quite delusional…
Virgo is practical in their sensitivities and overly critical of everything but especially of oneself.
7th house deals with partnerships and relationships
1st house deals with Self
*A direct conflict that I need to find balance in*
Venus and Chiron are also transiting my 7th house in Aries.
Venus deals with love, beauty, romance.
Chiron deals with old wounds needing to be healed.
Aries is all about self, taking the initiative.
So this is the breakdown of what is heavily affecting me right now. There are other aspects like the Sun transiting my 6th house (house of servitude). I really wanna help you, be there for you but the only way I know how is to just let you do you and leave that space for you to come back to me when / IF you’re ever ready.
I’m learning how to manage my intense desire of wanting romance, love and affection with being practical in my pursuits. It seems like I’m all over the place bc subconsciously I am. I’m learning my triggers when it comes to just being friends with anyone new but mostly dudes.
Trigger #1— I don’t like being ignored but I understand everyone needs their time to do as they need and as they please so I’ve been coaching myself thru those moments where I get those “just delete the whole thread” urges. I tell myself that a maximum of 72 hours is allowed before I even think about clowning (aka expressing my dislike of not hearing from him). But then I wonder, am I overreaching? Doing too much? I be tryna just let situations be what they are but once I engage it’s like go big or go home type of energy.
Trigger #2— If I call you without a follow-up text, don’t TEXT me back..whenever. CALL ME BACK sir…or at least let me know what’s going on IF you HAVE to text….reciprocity meets compromise.
Trigger #3— Friendship lines become blurred..idk if you want more like I do or if I’m really just in this thang all alone…and if I am, I’m really bout to be gone…but first, ima make sure you know why…. lack of and/or plain ole miscommunication.
Trigger #4— Feeling out of the loop about what’s going on with you. Like, I get we all process and deal with life’s challenges differently yet, if I’m making an effort to discuss my problems with you instead of leaving you out to dry I expect…no, I need that in return…again, RECIPROCITY..
If there isn’t compromise that’s able to made due to various personality traits then it’ll be clear, you’re in the Just Friends section. No love lost, only clarity gained.
This is where I’m at with my latest infatuation turned associate turn friend turned potential bff that I be looking forward to hugging and kissing despite the unknown time when/if we’ll ever meet again…I want more but I don’t feel like you’re able to give it like I need it so, that’s why I’m retreating. No bad blood, no harm done, definitely was fun while it lasted and I’m still here to help you as much as I can with whatever is needed if we ever speak again.
Peace in lessons my friend 🤗💋
