(Drafted on May 11, 2019)
So, it’s been a while since I’ve actually posted on my blog. I actually called myself creating a new blog on Wix (got caught up with the editing of the layout more than anything lol) and drafted a few posts but I haven’t posted anything since like January of last year. I am pushing through the uncertainty which brings about anxiety one breath at a time.
Well, as you can imagine, a LOT has transpired over the past year and 4 months. A lot has NOT happened in this time-frame as well but all in all, I’ve been getting better at this thing I deem “Intentionally Living”. Or just growing in my awareness. I have been on a conscious mission to find/cultivate the joyful place that I’ve been feeling deep within the core of my being for the past like 4 years.
All of the sacrifices I made materialistically, physically, emotionally, socially for the sake of my spiritual liberation has led me to this exact moment, space of my life. For me, I just needed it to really resonate how I just know what’s best for me and allowing my purpose to merge with my passion. I have done this by constantly analyzing and reanalyzing my steps. Acknowledging how they trigger me on all other levels of my being; wholistic awareness.
Slowly but steadily becoming one with my yoga practice instead of just being one that practices yoga. Becoming more aware of how my eating habits effect me, still in the process of creating that near perfect balance for my unique physiological make-up (even though these past few wks I’ve been eating like a woman tryna get and stay bloated smh). I have allowed my spirit to guide me for the most part even when the physical or mental me is tryna flex their capability to direct and control. Sometimes I do that by just acting on my impulses while staying aware of why I am doing it and constantly reminding myself until I change according to what pleases my soul.
I am so much freer and lighter when being social with others on a personal level, even though I still overthink and analyze what I should/shouldn’t do or say. It’s not debilitating and I’m growing more comfortable with being silent and just observing, compassionately and with an open-heart, as much as possible. I have gotten better with not absorbing the energies of others and maintaining the loving lightness within me despite what’s going on around me.
I actually enjoy nature and go out and spend time with her at LEAST 2 times a week now. I haven’t been to the beach this year yet but that is soooon (very soon) to come. I have been officially single for about 7 months now after a 7 year relationship with one of the bestest friends in my life. I have made it thru the phase of dating/talking to other dudes and now I feel like I have arrived in the meadow/beach/forest/ of true love.
I’ve learnt that I actually am NOT interested in “dating” anybody right now and that being one with myself and loving on me is a boundary I should have set over 10 years ago so it is the only thing that I need to entertain presently. I have also came to recognize the deep-rooted cause of my association with males as automatic companion/relationship potential rather than JUST friends. I’m still working on uprooting that automatic response.
I have caught the flow of this life by diving (very cautiously) into the depths of my existence. Like it sounds deep and extra but…I mean, it kinda is… to an extent. It just depends on your perspective of life which dictates how you perceive your environment. Intentionally paying attention to what’s going on with me, how different activities incite various emotions and how I should engage with those emotions. I make time for understanding the waves of my emotions more consistently than I focus on the external factor that I cannot control which triggered me.
I wrote, audio and video recorded, cried, avoided, denied and then allowed and accepted what was for me and released what I no longer needed. I use the natural elements that makes up earth like crystals, incenses, essential oils, herbs and candles as a means of elevating the energies at play to their highest good. I listen to a wide variety of music that soothes every layer of my being (The Koshas) but the Yoga Tribe and Instrumental Dub stations on Pandora really helps to clear my space and uplift the energy in a soft and subtle way.
I have learned and experienced many things over the year but the most important things that I have gained are:
- Trust the vibes. Even if they’re only in your reality. It is still something that you need to face in order to release the toxic emotions that are still there and very much real WITHIN you.
- Enjoy the moment while focusing forward. You have grand amazing ideas to bring to fruition but you have to stay focused on your mission, your purpose while enjoying life as it is now.
- BREATHE. Your breath IS your LIFE force (your chi, prana, ka). It is what guides you and you CAN guide it as you wish, if only you consent to being intent with it (#Naturalrandomrhymist).
- Create with love. Whatever you do, think or desire, let love reign as you create. Use every layer of your being to manifest your creativity.
- Trust your ability to expand beyond what you know. It is VITAL.
- Let it GO. Lol, this has been one of the harder ones because I stay tryna get to the bottom of things. I want, no, I NEED all the details of whats going down and why and I had serious codependency/attachment problems. The latter REEEAALLYY held me back from so much but it also taught me a hell of a lot so I’m forever grateful.
So, this is where just being aware has gotten me so far (May 11, 2019). Oh yea, and I have my own apartment!! Not working full time but still able to pay bills and necessities and I’m about to start traveling as a part of a new creative job that’s on its way to scoop me up. I’m so excited about where I’ll be in 6 months, what I’ll be doing for my 30th. I just know this life is LIT and I trade it for NOTHIN’ even with all the bullshit. I’ve made it, I am making it and it’s only UP from here!
