So, I’m getting to my breaking point of posting things a certain way on social media…Mainly on IG, I’ve been on this whole “stick to the layout” trend but my layout is custom made by the mood im in and the universal energies having their way with my creativity. I’ve been blocking that shit like crazy bc im big on editing my photos pre-release and I just want it to reflect me in the “best” light.
If im being completely honest with myself here (and I am), I’ve been going about this all facade-ish. Like it be real, the words that I write and the things I feel but it be superficial…all surface level shit, orchestrated a certain way bc I got a thing for aesthetics. I’ve been tryna be too in control of my art when that’s the last thing I want in my life and my life is reflected in my art (go figure).
I talk a lot when given the platform because I got a lot to say. Shit I’ve held in for years is slowly rolling up the bay, making me feel nauseated one day, and sea sick the next. I been dizzy in this mf just from standing up and walking around after laying down for most of the day. I’ve been avoiding the inner work that’s due…and I know why. I just like to take my time with major transformations in my life, like let me sit here for a few weeks going over why I’m here again, how I got to this point again, what’s different now than it was then, am I truly ready to let go of all of this that’s led me up to this point? Why?
Because I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Done with loops that’s made up this 30 years of spinning… I’m just ready to be living the way I been feeling is right for me, my soul, my core vibe that’ll attract my soul tribe. And I say that without neglect of the tribe I have now bc it’s a handful of them that’s really been holding me down as much as they know how and the love and gratitude I have for them being in my life is immeasurable. I’m blessed. But I’m also emotionally stressing myself bc Im stagnating the work that’s required to release my mind from the repressed dismay of the turn of my life.
Like, did I really choose this life for me? Why would I sabotage myself like this for real? Is it only a matter of perspective in the times of now? Like would I feel as tho it was sabotage on the other side of this thing? Sometimes I feel like I’m worthless bc nothing I do is working for me but…what if that all really ties into my purpose? If you tell me there’s no greater purpose in life or death than I should just end it all now bc who wants to live a pointless life full of neverending stress? Not I. And I refuse to believe that’s the life for me, or anybody still breathing or not. There was and is always a bigger picture than you, them and/or I.
I guess I just need to close my eyes and rip the bandaid off, deep inhale, slow releasing out all the pain. I’m aware, this life is a game, and just like most games I start to play, I get burnt out quickly when the tough levels keep defeating me.
I feel like I’m at that point of my journey where I’ve reached the mountain and my energy has drained, I can feel myself slowly powering back up as I sit and reflect on the journey to now but there are some key lessons that are deeply suppressed and in those memories lies the missing pieces to put all this into perspective and I need them to come up and get out so I can know and be confident in the first set of steps to conquering this mountain.
Patiently awaiting the rain
