“Don’t think you are, KNOW you are” – Morpheus
The more aware I become of my position in this world the more I accept the message I have always heard but often allowed myself to remain oblivious to, you know, taking the BLUE PILL. Nevertheless, the message remains, “Nothing is new under the sun…” I recognize this so very heavily, to the point where I am fighting with myself to understand, again, the purpose of life as a whole but more keenly, the purpose of my own life. A lesson I have yet to overcome as it continues to pervade my life like clockwork, pun intended.
This time though, I don’t look at it as hopelessness or defeat instead I see new beginnings and old lessons still having to be learned.
They say that insanity is the act of doing something repeatedly, in the exact same manner, in hopes of receiving a different result.
I have to say, that is one of the truest statements that has resonated with me within my 27th year of living. Others being in regard to trusting my God-given intuition and letting my light shine while gripping onto the last glimmers of my “dream life”, for dear life.
For the past 10 years, I have been in a constant cycle of getting and leaving these jobs, these 9-5’s, 1-10’s or 10-10’s. Within the past two years I have approached it in a different, more mature manner, like understanding the need for a secure, steady flow of income in order to maintain a certain way of living, yet I am still met with the same result: unfulfilled, under-valued, dissatisfied and depressed with life.
I have learned that I cannot keep with the same cycle for longer than a good 7 months before I start getting antsy and looking for something different, some type of change that will allow me time to just breathe without regret. It may be that after a period of redundancy I begin to realize that I am meant to be more and do more, like live on my own terms type shit. No amount of money or security can replace the feeling of being lost, stuck, and helpless; similar to being in a molasses filled pit in the middle of the desert.
Like, if I was born to just go to school, focus on one or two areas of specialty then dedicate my life to a job in hopes of them or the government taking care of me in my old age until I die, who am I really living for?
Some may say it is my perception that has been lost and I agree. This perception of life was instilled in me while growing up in the very system I just described. Never once was I asked what I desired to do after high school instead I was asked what college are you going to, what will you major in, what job are you trying to get? I wasn’t aware of the vast array of fields of study and how that could help develop my passions into purpose. Hell, I didn’t even realize my passions were passions until many years later. But again, life has always been about securing a steady flow of decent income, basically trading my life for paper, literally PAPER, with no discussion of how to get out and truly live.
I am done looking for the perfect circle to fit into when I am an unprecedented star of a Spirit. My points have been forced down into this mildly colorful box since I was born into this world, specifically the west side of it (America), and it makes sense why I never could find a place that gave a resounding HONEY, YOU’RE HOME when I walked thru whatever doors, spiritually or worldly. It was always just “a place to be for now”.
Within the past few months I have gained a clearer sense of awareness that I. AM. HOME. In THIS (gestures up and down self) skin, I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. I have been looking for security in all the wrong places, I allowed my voice to be entangled with the voice of the society I was born into. I was told who I was and what I needed to do in order to have a fulfilled life and I believed them. Until now.
They lied, just like they have about EVERY. Other. Mother. Fucking. Thing.
This cycle that I have been in has been a continuous test that I have failed over and over again, as is life itself but now truly understand that they are one in the same. As I have grown more and more aware of the circle of life and how deep the pool of knowledge and awareness goes, as well as, being formally introduced to the secret of all successful people (success is subjective to each individual), the veil has slowly been lifted. I can attain anything that I deeply desire and focus my attention on. Even more so when action is coupled with that faith. Everything that I need to reach my full potential, I have already been equipped with.
I. AM. ENOUGH.
With this newfound awareness, I have rededicated my life to myself. By reclaiming my energy and investing it back into myself to draw out all of what I have suppressed over the years, knowingly and unknowingly. It is time for me to reach for my passion and then my purpose with the expectations of a hardy return. I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to be in the position to do so. Before this year is over with, I will be well into experiencing the life that I always yearned for. It is time for me to truly start living my life without fears and/or doubts stagnating and crippling me.
“Fear is an emotion that can be overcome by the action of facing it head-first; Doubts are a form of fear that blinds you from seeing what’s on the other side. It is up to you to keep lifting that veil regardless, only then will you begin to truly experience life as you should.” – Queen Nicosia
