Throughout my child-hood I rarely let my true self show with outsiders. My inner circle consisted of my immediate fam (Granny, Pops, Mom, Dad, Sister…sss and Brothers) along with a handful extended fam (Aunts, Uncle, first cousins) and one true best friend I met in 7th grade. With them is where I lost myself… in so many different ways, it goes down a great deal of rabbit holes but the jest of it is, I lived my life FOR rather than WITH them… and then LIFE HAPPENED.
Although I was, at times, an unbearably annoying and somewhat spiteful little girl, I also was incredibly caring, sensitive and emotional with no outlet. I remember writing in journals to let my thoughts out because that was the only way I knew how to express myself — in writing. There’s no one to interrupt my flow of thoughts or rebuttal my perception of life and make me question myself.
There were times I would let my true thoughts and/or feelings slip out and I’d receive crazy looks, laughs, “smh’s”, and an overall lack of desire to understand where I was coming from. I never learned how to look past that and remain true to myself until recently. Always afraid of being judged unfairly and then dismissed, I tucked myself away more and more while still yearning for someone to care enough to pull me out of hiding.
I’m sure from the outside looking in no one thought twice about what was really going on in my head because my outer layer seemed to be doing just fine, superb even. Little did anyone know that within the depths of my mind and soul I felt alone and forgotten, lost and confused about life to the point where, sometimes, I would daydream about my own funeral.
This is where my attachment issues began to come into play. As I got into my teenage years, starting high school I subconsciously sought out people like me that just wanted a genuine friend and confidante. As expected, most kids just wanted friends to add to the list, not caring if they genuinely liked or cared for them so my friends were few but they made life bearable at times. And, for some crazy strange reason, I seemed to only be comfortable opening up to dudes. I mean, hormones raging and being told I couldn’t have a boyfriend possibly increased my desire of attaining just that, nevertheless, they were who I was drawn to. And of course this is where my cycle of bad decisions with nigggas began.
Throughout High School I was lowkey miserable. Thinking of different activities I would love to try or I could see myself being amazing at, I psyched myself out by thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn’t or various ways I could fail and how I would be looked at when I didn’t make it like I thought I would. So, I just stuck to academics, which I didn’t put my all into either because it didn’t interest me, I didn’t find purpose in it for me rather, it was just something I had to do because my Mama said so. I came out with a C average and top 50% of my class, even after transferring from various schools in Fort Bend I.S.D. (higher quality education) to H.I.S.D’s Ross S. Sterling High School (less than).
The only time I showed genuine interest in school is when a teacher showed that they genuinely cared, otherwise, I figured I’m just another body here that these people could care less about so why do more than what I feel? Sure, I heard talk about college and all that shit but I don’t recall ever having a serious conversation with any adult about it until my senior year. Well by then, all scholarships are out the door and all I knew was that I wanted to be a counselor. A person, confidante, that is available to youth and young adults that are lost or going down the wrong paths and just need someone to talk to or a little guidance. I believe that’s all I wanted and needed growing up but most of the adults around me during my teenage years were all busy trying to sustain their own lives.
My Daddy advised that I go to pharmacy school because that would be guaranteed good money. I was not and have not ever been a person that thought about money like that. Like, yea I need it to go do and have things but that didn’t drive me because my parents made sure that I rarely wanted for anything tangible. Yet, that didn’t seem to get me anywhere that meant something to me. However, without any other ideas to go off of and feeling pressured to just do something, my mom helped me sign up with Everest Institute for their Pharmacy Technician program. I made it through with my typical C average, got my Certification, applied to jobs, received one interview from Wal-Mart but that fell through and then I ended up as a cashier at Kroger and got complacent.
The program was intended to increase my desire of going to pharmacy school but it did the exact opposite. And from there I’ve just been on a search for that perfect job, the one that pays a livable wage and doesn’t impede on my personal life more than necessary, allowing me to find and express my liberation without worry. The one that allows me to cultivate and use my voice for the betterment of my people and those struggling with the same hurdles as I.
9 years and an A.A. later and I’m still searching, daydreaming of my dreamy lifestyle that I know I’ve been ordained to have.
⇓ Which finally brings me to the purpose of this blog ⇓
With all of these bottled-up emotions, ideas and experiences, I figured I can make something out of it, if I just put it out there. Instead of thinking about it, why not make moves with it? What am I waiting for??! I’ve thought about modeling and did my first amateur photo shoot for my birthday last year with the desire to do more with it but again, constant negative thinking, self-talk and over-thinking stopped me in my tracks.
I’m over the stagnancy and am determined to reach the end of this purposeless life that I’ve been carrying on my shoulders like an overgrown child. I enjoy taking pictures, trying new things in the kitchen or around the house, coloring, practicing new skills to improve my overall life like, yoga and deep breathing exercises, and so on. Sooooo… this blog is for that.
To provide myself a platform where I can exhibit my skills and lack thereof. To just express myself through various means while overcoming my fear of being judged, ridiculed, misunderstood, overlooked, rejected, etc. In return this will allow for those dreamy lifestyle opportunities that are for me, to find and rescue me from this ever-so drawn-out, mundane chapter(sssss?) of my life.
