Im like forever on chill mode, even when I’m hype it be on a cool, chill type vibe. Lately tho, I’ve been working on my avoidance of conflict and letting go of the need to please and be friends with everybody (Libra Moon shit). I’ve been taken more time for myself and being hella intentional and selective with my time, energy and space.
For too long I’ve hidden behind the surface level of things, only shared the “pleasant” side of me that everyone seems to just absolutely adore. This kept me feeling hidden and hurt silently. Forming resentment towards all of those around me bc I knew or felt like they only fucked with me bc of the image I portrayed.
Afraid to let my guard down and be completely naked in front of ANYone. Shying away from the judgement and inevitable misunderstanding just to keep up this facade of peace and harmony.
In hindsight, I kept myself hidden bc I really didn’t truly understand myself and tho I love being asked genuine questions about who I am and why I do what I do, I hated the thought of sharing my truth…that I really didn’t know who I was or why.
In a way, my life has reflected the state of our society. The Land on which we stand is no longer bearing the weight of the illusions that kept things at bay, the life that we considered as normal and acceptable is now crumbling in our faces. The perspectives that kept us comfortable and content with the present circumstances are shifting into something unknown and some may say, it’s terrifying.
I, however, see things falling perfectly into place and I am fuckin elated.
The first time I posted my anger or hurt regarding this society was when Trayvon was hunted and killed by an egotistical, no self-esteem, NOBODY. A self-proclaimed neighborhood watch snitchbitch that was high key fearful of black people, in general, but something about teenage boys really grinded his gears.
Around the same time, my bf at the time and I walked to a smoke shop off Bissonnet, the doors were locked but the open sign was on so we sat outside for a minute and waited for someone to come to the door.
The owner, a “Middle Eastern” looking man, opened the door and immediately profiled my bf as someone who attempted to or had robbed the store the day before.
In an attempt to clear the air my bf (a Libra sun) tried talking to the man just to let him know it wasn’t him, all the while the guy is threatening to get his gun and call the police bc now we’re trespassing.
Ima just stop right there with that bc we eventually left unharmed physically but fuming with anger and confusion. Trying to understand why this mf refused to hear us out. On top of that, a fellow Black American pulled up in the midst of the ordeal, basically ignoring the situation while continuing to make his purchase.
This entire situation angered my bf (Pisces Moon) more than it did me (Libra Moon) bc I was numb to being discriminated against, it became, not necessarily expected but an accepted part of my reality.
At the time, the realization that I am not safe even when doing the “right” thing and trying to keep the peace hadn’t really set in yet.
The fact that FOREIGNERS who are reaping the rewards of my ancestors slave labor and spitting in our face had yet to resonate as well.
2016 was the year my perspective really shifted. I stopped concerning myself with doing what was right or expected of me and started heeding to what felt right to and for ME.
Fast toward to now, despite the deep sadness and intense anger, I am slightly relieved that more people are fighting against the system in their own way.
I am confident that change is on its way while also aware that this plight is far far from reaching its peak.
All in all, I am honored to be alive for such a time as this. I am hopeful that the burning house that Martin spoke of will finally be burnt to the ground and reconstructed by US, for ALL of humanity. It is our divine birthright.
